I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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