I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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