i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Every concussion has its silver lining
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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