turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
