Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
