miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
