i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
