After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
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Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
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It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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