so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
