I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
God gave him joint rollers for hands
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
