Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
