Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
