So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
