Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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