Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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