i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
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If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
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Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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