I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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