Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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