The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
