kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
