Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize