I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Randomize
