We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i love accidental penises.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
