I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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