How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
