I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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