We named our party play list daddy issues
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
