i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
