i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
