That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
