Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
