I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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