Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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