There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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