btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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