Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
