i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
