I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
