I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
