I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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