If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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