Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
