i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
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OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
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I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
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