why im i the only drunk person in the library?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Randomize
