Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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