If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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