so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
