Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
