I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
