when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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