the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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