I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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