I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
