And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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