I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
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I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
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I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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