Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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