Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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