I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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